TRANSFORMATION

Found a local no kill animal shelter. I went over there this weekend to check it out and to ask about volunteering. There were cats everywhere: big ones, little ones, timid ones and meow scratch my ears friendly ones. There was a couple that looked like Mr. Pink Nose. I filled out a volunteer application and was told someone would call me. I did not get to see much of the dogs. I signed up to walk the dogs and pet the cats a couple of times a month. I think I can handle that.

Before I get another dog I will try Animal Foster Parenting first. Out of five animal pets I had I'm down to one kitty. I was ready to downsize my pet family by not replacing a pet that died. I did not expect to lose two in a row though. My last cat is a senior female who is a sandy brown tabby. She has large green eyes and looong whiskers. Because she is not very big her whiskers hang down like a handle bar mustache. Someone dropped her off in a church parking lot next door one very cold November night. I heard this cry like a small child but could not see anything. I went back to the house to get the flashlight. Now the cry sounded like a Bobcat. After seeing the large green eyes I was afraid it would come out and attack me. Instead there was a little kitten that was shivering. I picked her up and put her in my coat and brought her home. That was about 15 years ago.

We always called her the autistic cat because she could not really socialize with the other animals or even the people. She just stayed in my office. Sometimes she sat on a bookshelf to look out the window. She didn't even purr or like to be held except when I worked at my computer.

I was really missing my other animals. I wished this little kitten would be more affectionate. The most amazing things started to happen. I came home from work and found kitty sleeping on the living room sofa. Next thing I knew she was coming to the door to greet me when I got home and when I came downstairs in the morning. She began to spend less time in my office. Sometimes I'd catch her sleeping on a bolster pillow on top of the sofa where Mr. Pink Nose slept.

One evening Little Kitten came over and got in my lap and started purring. Here she was taking on all the behaviors of the cat that had died. It was as if the spirit of Mr. Pink Nose had returned and become part of my last remaining animal at a time when I was really feeling the loss of two special pals. By doing this I felt comforted and knew Mr. Pink Nose was ok and that I would be also. I felt like I had experienced grace in this transformation,

 

January 16,2012

FOOD STAMPS
 They are not called "food stamps" any more in most states.  No more play money. What you get now is a SNAP  card (supplemental nutrition assistance program) that looks like a credit card.  This is to reduce the "shame" of using it-telling people that you are poor and do not have money for food. You should be able to apply on line and the income limits diff per state by as much as $400 (estimate).  However in my state I still have to go into the Social Services Office for an Interview.

Finally after assorted problems with my EBT card I was able to use it this past weekend now that I have three months of benefits for a total of $44 (all 3 months worth).  This is when I wonder was this really worth the six pages online application, the 4 pages of check of rights and responsibilities plus the 30 mile round trip to welfare office for an interview?

I had applied several times. The first time was last July on line. The directions said I would be notified for an interview.  I had to send in a signature page.  By painful experience I usually mail stuff that is IMPORTANT with a tracking number and sometimes requiring a signature.  So I didn't and the signature page got lost. And contrary to what was said in the directions they no longer set appointments for food stamps.

Then I started substitute teaching and figured I would be making too much money.  Well I didn't so I kept waiting until October. Even if you seem to be above the income limits, apply anyway if you are within $200-400 over.  They do deduct things like a standard deduction, medical expense deduction, support payments, shelter and utility deduction which is a joke. Mine was $297.  That does not even cover my mortgage.  There is also a limit on your assets.  Not the ones in the seat of your pants.   Assets that are counted are vehicle if you have more than one, liquid assets such as cash, savings and IRA, stocks & bonds etc.  Your liquor cabinet is safe. Again each state varies but $2,000 is average limit one person and if a senior or disabled $3,000. As you follow along on my journey and lessons learned you will see how our "welfare system" can keep you in poverty. Assets that count also include  burial plot if you have more than one, real property like a summer camp, things like boats, three wheelers - you get the picture.

AARP has a Benefits QuickLINK website (www.aarp.org/quicklink) to find out if you qualify for benefits for programs in your state.  Can print out applications

COMPANION ANIMALS PART II

December 16, 201

Did I get sidetracked? I mentioned losing two companion animals. My reality gets hard to live with sometimes.

The Flame Goes Out

Who names a dog Flame? My son wanted to know. Well, when you have a Dalmatian mix dog, an EMT would. At one point I rented out a room to help with expenses. You'd be surprised at who will rent a room and some of them if you'd love not meet. More on this in future blogs. One of these roomers was a young woman – an EMT. She saw an ad in the paper for a lost dog. Please, please, I'll take good care of him, just like my own kids. I gave in. Soon after that she lost her job. She had named him Flame. It didn't take long before she could not pay the rent and had to move out without the dog. Flame and I quickly bonded. At first, I kept them in the garage as I had my son's part chow with me as well as 3 cats. With chronic illnesses and living alone, I was often too tired to take the dogs for a walk or fix dinner for myself.

 

Drug Bust

My son's dog died from cancer. Not long after that, some drug addict busted my living room window out in the middle of the night. I managed to get to the garage door and let in Flame. He promptly planted himself in front of the window on the sofa. When I told the man I was calling the police. He split. This is when flame earned a sacred place on the living room sofa and in my heart (most of the time). As he matured, he settled down into the dog that lives at my feet on the rug, yet who could also intimidate any stranger. He was my bud challenging me to longer walks and making me feel safe in a big old house.

He was an exceptionally beautiful dog who carried himself as if he were royalty instead of a mixture. On our walks, everyone had to stop and pay him compliments, while I had to keep him from taking a nip out of their dogs.

 

Honey I'm Home

Flame would wag his tail so enthusiastically that his whole body would move too. He always greeted me at the door when I came home doing a two-step dance routine. He and Mr. Pink Nose cat would follow me around the house until I came to sit on the sofa. Then they would compete to see who got to sit in my lap-70 pounds of dog or 10 pounds of cat, so we compromised, dog paws and cat paws and chest.

A Flame Goes Out

It was a Thursday evening and I called my son to tell him about Mr. Pink Nose dying. After supper and dishes, I got Flame's leash to let him out. I had to be up early the next morning. The dog had a hard time getting his back legs under him to stand up. He had been fine and showed no signs of illness at all. I thought he was getting some arthritis. We got outside and he dropped his head down and could hardly walk stiff legged halfway around the house. Usually he is dragging me. Well we got into the house. He collapsed. He could not get up enough to get into the kitchen from the living room. I had to drag him on a rug. All of a sudden time was spiraling out of control. My brain would not compute. What was happening? Flames feet were freezing. He no longer connected with me. He started to breathe heavily and his gums turned pale pink, all in the matter of 10 min. I felt so helpless. It was 10 PM, and I couldn't even lift him into my car. By morning, he was gone. I cursed at God. Losing one companion animal was tough enough, but two in a row? Those guys help make life bearable on many, many days. I have lost many animals. But the pain never gets any less. The following day I had a deceased 70 pound animal in my living room. I canceled out of a substitute job. I had no plans for burying him, but I found a lot of kind and compassionate people who helped me including one of the angels in T-shirts. He came over and let me cry on his shoulder.

 

 

 

 

COMPANION ANIMALS

December 15, 2012

It has been almost two months since I lost two wonderful companion animals. One was an elder cat whom I had for 17 years. He was white and dark tabby with a large heart spot on his side and a very pink nose. He always knew when I needed a hug or a snuggle when I was too sick to get out of bed. He was simply a lover boy.

I went out of town in August to visit family. Shortly after I came back kitty became less and less interested in eating. The pet sitter said he was eating fine while I was gone.

 

Rising Cost of Healthcare.

I thought kitty might have worms and called the local vet to ask what the office visit would cost. I was told that their standard procedure was to do blood work and testing, and expect to pay up to $200 up front. I knew that Kitty would not enter the hallowed halls of this vet's metal exam tables. I responded that I did not want blood work and tests. I thought the cat had worms and what would be the cost. I asked about paying half up front and half in 30 days. The gatekeeper said they no longer did this. After some more non-sensible robotic language the phone call ended.

After going through the phone directory and talking to friends, I realized that veterinary care of my companion animals was out of reach for me. What happened to the vet, who went to a veterinarian school and could look at an animal and feels his glands and organs and look at his mouth and give a diagnosis? Seems too many vets have turned into money mongers vs. taking care of a sick animal. No such thing as a sliding fee scale, either. Too bad tough luck if you are out of work or unable to work due to disability. No matter that your cat has stopped eating. Do you know that you should seek a vet if a pet has gone more than three days without eating?

 

The Vet Blessing

I finally found a Vet through friends at my church. He turned out to be a real blessing. When I made an appointment, I asked what the cost of an office visit plus worming would be. By now $75 seemed a lot less than $200. Then my kitty had an excruciating painful heart attack right on the exam table. The vet tech whisked him off to the ER to put him on oxygen and give him a shot for pain. With tears rolling down my face, I'm asking how much is this ER treatment costing. At the same time, I would have to realize my buddy is going to die and is in a lot of pain. The vet's responses were your kitty needs you right now and stop worrying about the cost. Thanks for a Vet which allowed me to get to and in what really mattered in my here and now.

 

End of a Love Affair

It seems worrying about what it is going to cost is about all I have done for the past 7 months. I was not really focused on how my animals were feeling, and doing. Yes, I provided the food and water and scratched their ears, but I had become almost mechanical about it. For the past one and a half years I have been obsessed about having to make money and beating my head against the wall. I was not really focused on how my animals were feeling and doing.

Now a veterinarian was asking me if I wanted him to put Mr. Lover Boy to sleep. Stammering, I tried to hold in the sobs. I asked if there were any other choices. I just could not let go. The Vet said yes there were two more choices. One was to put the cat in the hospital with IV's and oxygen, etc. taking weeks to recover.

What would be the quality of his life? I asked. No guarantees. The cat might live a few more days or weeks or even months. It would be big bucks. So what is option number 3? Pawspospice came the reply. I looked at him with a grin on his face, thinking, okay, this is a joke. I am not getting it. Then I had to laugh-Hospice for pets. As long as Kitty wouldn't suffer, I said. Mr. Pink Nose was wrapped up in a blanket with hot water bottles. I was given several needleless syringes to administer a pain killer/ anti-anxiety medicine every 6 hours. Now I could help this beloved friend let go by letting go myself and telling him I will be okay. His life on earth was complete.

I took him home and held him all evening while the dog and my other cat said their goodbyes. Sweet kitty came around one last time to give me his sign. He head butted my hand, saying he loved me. Later that night he passed on to the Rainbow Bridge, peacefully. I must've cried for several weeks. But I was also angry that someone living in poverty is being denied access to proper veterinary care for their animals. The Vet said if he had gotten Kitty even two weeks earlier, he could have helped him.

ANGELS WEAR TEE- SHIRTS

October 5, 2011

In the middle of the entire crisis with my cat, a long-term rumor border moved out of a small apartment over my garage on September 1. He helped out with some household expenses, mowed a big yard and helped carry in the dog food sometimes. The presence of a strapping young man gave a sense of security to this disabled senior who lives alone. But alas, I could not deny him what most of us yearn for – someone to love and love us in return. In short, he fell in love.

As I checked out the apartment, I found that my propane furnace had not been working properly. There was soot on the ceilings, the windows and the kitchen cabinets. The whole apartment had to be painted. Then the hot water tank crashed. Even with his deposit the costs were piling up along with the hours to get the studio ready to rent.

Enter a couple of the angels, real answers to my prayers. Let us know what we can do to help. They said. So after work he and his wife would come by several times a week to paint and clean. I was thankful for this and all their help, but blessed with their new friendship. Plus, this couple is raising their 3 small grandchildren. Actually, they told me helping other people, was giving them excuse to get a break from chasing 3 small children around.

 

GIFTS

December 8, 2011
 As I flip through the catalogs for the 5th time I cross one item after another of my wish list of presents for my family. I will let go of my anxiety and worry about how I am going to pay for Christmas. No matter how well we prepare for the days ahead of us there is no guarantee. I try to find something, no matter how small, to be thankful for every day. Today is full of sunshine, and I hear the birds chirping at my window, letting me know that they have inhaled all the seed. This past week I was able to take some old gold rings to a jeweler and got some money for Christmas. Hallelujah! My fears and anxiety used to run my life. I still have to work at letting go during these holiday seasons like Christmas. I am hoping to sit down this evening and order a few gifts.

DARK DAYS AND LITTLE DOORS

December 4

ADVENT: This is the four weeks before Christmas devoted to the preparation of the "Feast of the Nativity" or Christmas is celebrated.

This is already the 2nd Sunday in Advent. I never seem to be ready on time. Growing up my mother always had a beautiful Advent calendar ready for us children. It was covered with sparkles and little doors. We took turns opening the doors to find beautiful pictures of animals, winter scenes and all the symbols of the coming of Christ. Today Advent calendars also come with little gifts. I think I still have some Advent calendars that never got open by my kids because I was not ready on time.

So this Sunday, we had the Bishop gave the sermon. He really struck home. He talked about the dark days of Advent. It is almost dark by the time we get home. Frankly, I strongly dislike this time of year. Even though I have some Scrooge tendencies, my attitude stems from way too many years of struggles living at the lower ends of low income. Well, the Bishop has helped me to see this Advent (Christmas) season in a new light. This dark season is a time to prepare as best we can. But we still can never really know what is ahead of us. Yet we journey out into the unknown times of our lives. The Bishop shared the story of his brother, loading up his car with his wife, children and his new college degree. They left the mountains and stars of West Virginia, full of hope and dreams into their future - 3000 miles away in Seattle, Washington. Ten years later, his wife had died from a debilitating illness.

This sounded so much like my life story. After 14 years of marriage, I went through a divorce and on to raise two young children by myself. I went back to school to get an MBA. With my new degree, I charged into the work force full of excitement, hopes and dreams of a better life for my family. Five years later, I became seriously ill and had to stop working.

 

WINTER BLUES

The Bishop said each day of Advent season is one less day of darkness as we move towards why we have Christmas and Hanukkah. Jesus was born into the world as a symbol of light and hope. I'm sure there are lots of people who like me could use a heavy dose of light and hope. Then there are those, who like me would prefer to spend winter in a cave or on the sofa in front of a nice fire. This is what is known as SAD or "Seasonal Affective Disorder". Do long dark days and cold-weather leave you feeling depressed or wanting to sleep all the time? You may want to talk to your doctor if you experience any of the following;

• crave carbohydrates
  
• gain weight
  
• feel lethargic
  
• Loss of interest in normal activities from November to March or April.
  

I call myself the sunshine girl. I feel better and have loads more energy in the spring, summer and fall- until the days get shorter. My primary care provider suggested leaving all the lights on in the rooms where I spend a lot of time. The small increase in the electric bill is cheaper than the purchase of a light box. This works for me. I can't afford a light box when I'm struggling to keep the electric on. In addition, I take advantage of sunny days and go outside for some winter sun bathing.

 

WAKE-UP CALLS

My struggles with SAD cause problems when I have to get up at 5:15 AM for work. Then three alarms barely wake me up. It takes two hours to get ready for work. Then I have to stay awake as I am on call from 5 AM to 10 AM. Plus, I have to stay awake driving to work. The benefit of being a substitute teacher is the students usually do an excellent job of keeping you awake or making a fool of you.

So the best thing I have found to date to help me wake up on these dark mornings is a wake-up light. I now wake to gradually increasing light plus several choices of sounds. The steady rise of light intensity allows your body to naturally awaken. I am amazed how much better I feel. Waking to just an alarm makes me feels like someone yanked me out of bed and slammed me into the bedroom wall.

LET THERE BE LIGHT

• I now use Phillip's Wake-Up light. Check it out http://sadtherapylamps.com/phillips
  
• Or some others to look up: SunBox Company www.sunbox.com or
  
• Bio-Brite www.biobrite.com for sunrise clocks and light boxes.
  

 

 

 

 

November 25, 201

This is a new blog about the journey of one person into poverty and how she survived and what she learned. How debilitating illnesses stole almost ten years of her life. This is a journey of moving through stormy seas and learning to find peaceful islands along the way.

No MBA does not stand for my initials, but rather a business degree- Master of Business Administration. Matter of fact I have three college degrees. This journey into poverty didn’t just start with the current economic events. In this blog you will read about current struggles, as well as background events or how did I get into this mess in the first place.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has past.  It’s been a long time since I had to fix a turkey, let alone a whole Thanksgiving Dinner.  I am an extended “family” member of close friends.  We all eat potluck.  The abundance of food overloaded the table as well as our stomachs.  I am thankful for this family of friends.  I do miss getting into the fridge for leftovers after dinner. It is at this time that the men start talking hunting and the ladies talk shopping as in “Black Friday”.  Never have done “Black Friday” shopping and hope I never will.  But what I miss is the excitement of looking through all the sales notices and catalogs and making my list for Christmas.  By this time in the past I would have had half of the shopping done.

I have not  figured out where I am going to get money for Christmas gifts for my granddaughter, daughter and son-in-law.  I’d like to give a small gift to a few close friends who have helped me in far greater ways than I will ever be able to repay them.

Going to Work Hungry

During the last four months by the last week of the month I have had to choose between money for food and money for gas to get to medical appointments and my part-time job.  It has been almost 20 years since I’ve worried about having enough food to eat.  So I eat less and drive less.

Keeping the Lights On

Things are getting a little better.  I am picking up more substitute teaching jobs.  However I am still only getting about half of my bills paid on time.  Instead of rolling blackouts I have rolling bill paying - hoping to stay ahead of any blackouts this winter.  To keep my utilities from being disconnected, I keep the utility company updated on my situation. Thankfully I do have a long history of paying these bills on time.  The electric company told me not to get more than 2 months behind or I could face a shutoff.  Right now I am one month behind.  Luckily I qualify for a winter time electric 20% discount program.